How you doing?

I don't think women appreciate how hard it is not to be 'the creepy guy' at the gym. The biggest problem is that there is a large enough number of creepy guys out there to safely assume that any male who glances at, talks to, or comes within 15ft of anything resembling an attractive woman, is in fact, a creep.

I've become infinitely more comfortable around women since being married. See, pre-marriage I figure there was maybe a 1 in 10,000 chance that a woman would actually want to sleep with me. Now, for the woman out there, you're thinking, "Well, if the chance is so small, couldn't you just forget about it and relax?" But the men are more familiar with this kind of algebra and realize that the 1 in 10,000 chance doesn't come along very often, which means you better not screw it up. Which means pressure. Which means awkwardness. Which means that your 1 in 10,000 chance for sex just walked out the door laughing at you... again. Post-marriage the world is completely different. I'm off the table. I'm locked up in the Disney vault along with 101 Dalmations. Now there's a 0 in 10,000 chance. So, since there isn't even the remotest possibility of sex with someone non-wife, I'm relaxed.

Not at the gym though.

Things are a little different there, especially in the pool. You've got women in necessarily tight and skimpy outfits, and they're wet. It's basically a big creep magnet. Also, people just do odd non-sexual things in the water anyway. Like the guy who decided to play-dead in the warm up pool by floating face down without moving for as long as he could hold his breath. Repeatedly...for around 15 minutes.

Anyway, I show up at the pool and there's only one free lane, right next to the only youngish woman there. Normally you have to go at least one lane away from her. Why? Because the creeps will pick the lane next to her no matter how many others are open. I get in the water as she starts a kick-drill, and sweet zombie jesus she is fast. My kick is pure crap and she's moving faster than I can swim. It would be helpful to watch how she's doing it, but do I? No, because that's what the creeps would do.

I'm just getting back into swimming after a couple months of run/bike focus, so my stamina doesn't exist. I start with 50's (2 lengths), then 75's (3), then mix up 100's, 200's, etc. She's evidently doing the same because she'll sometimes take her rest on the near side and sometimes on the far side. I start my first 75, which will have me finish on the far side of the pool, as she's still in a cycle of resting on the near side. I pull up to the wall for my stop, and guess who's switched and has stopped on the far side now? Yeah. So can I, who have been resting on the near side this entire time stop there, just at the same time she did? Nope, because that's what the creeps would do. I had to finish out the 100.

Spare the Child and Spoil the Rod

What do I want for Son and Daughter? That's complicated, but I can make even the simplest things complex.

I want them to have a good sense of perspective. I want them to be able to objectively come to the conclusion that lots of the people they know are hopelessly dim and narrow. We're going to travel with the kids which will help this, and Daughter's already gone more places than most people I know. I'm also going to teach them about why people do the things they do. All the absurd, destructive, and bumbling actions that people take have some kind of motivation behind them. Example, if in 15 years Daughter says, "Steve invited me to a party, but he's just trying to get me in bed. He's a fucking idiot anyway.", then I'll be thrilled.

I want them to run with their curiosity. I want them to follow up those little flashes of curiosity with more investigation. That's something I can work with a lot. They ask a question about something and we'll figure out how the hell it works.

I want them to want to do well at whatever it is they choose to do. Not much else to explain there.

The Christmas Spirit

Daughter and I made cookies. There was a point where things got out of hand as so often happens with cookie making.

This Confession Has Meant Nothing

Forgive me. I'm still not feeling very funny. Maybe I'll have some better stuff closer to New Years.

I just watched American Psycho again and it got me thinking. Not about the directly correlated stuff like vapid materialism and lust and rejection of core humanity either. Instead, I ended wondering about how to convey a story like this without the blood.

Well, of course it's possible, but I guess I should ask; Is it possible to convey an interesting story like this without the blood?

Everyone knows the phrase, "Who, What, Where, When, and Why". It's the foundation of storytelling. Different types of stories focus on different components. Your more popular fiction is pretty centered on the What. What happened, the story, the plot. The more literary stuff coasts between the Who and the Why. These are the stories that bore the hell out of people because, generally speaking, no one cares that Rosebud was a damn sled. The Where and When are really more details. They can definitely be important details, but they aren't the core of the story.

So, continuing to reframe my question; If you've got your Who and Why, your Patrick Bateman as the sociopathic golem driven by everything that was wrong with 80's America. That's a great Who and Why, but no one's going to read about his fastidious morning beauty ritual alone, at least no one who doesn't bring a MacBook to Starbucks. That's where the What comes in. An engaging, and maybe a little outrageous, What can sell stories, so why not bolt some titillating story onto your beatifully crafted Who and Why?

Bottom line, I think it is possible to create a more prosaic What and still sell your Why and Who, but it's pretty damned hard. Lost in Translation is a good example of this. Great Why and Who, kind of a boring What though really. Still, the Why and Who were so well crafted and the slow What was both well made and 100% supportive of the theme, that it still achieved some popularity.

I'm pretty sure it made less money than Titanic though.

Run Ning! Run!

I'm doing something dumb, which is hardly unusual. At least this time it doesn't involve power tools or the local electric-grid.

I'm making Ning run. Not through chasing her or anything, but that's not off the table. I've gotten a little concerned about her bones lately. See, she eats well, better than I do really, but her calcium +D intake might be a little low. Combine that with the fact that she's been cooped up at home with the kids for a while now, and you get a lack of stress on those bones. Bones are like muscles, they get stronger when you use them. Interesting little fact, "The dominant arm of a tennis player has 35 percent more bone than the non-dominant arm" (MSNBC). That and all the general benefits of a healthy level of activity pushed me into starting her on running.

So why is this dumb? Well, making someone exercise is something that's almost always doomed to failure. Most people who start exercising do it because they want to look better in a bikini, god knows that's why I did it. That's kind of a tricky thing though. It's like wanting a sports car. Most people are going to go buy one, but some guys with the right background are going to build one from scratch. Building a car is a long process that some people will enjoy and most people will dislike and see only as a chore. Here's the rub, you can't buy fitness. The only way to get it is to put in hours of hard and mostly painful effort.

Unless you actually enjoy exercising, then you need an extraordinary level of discipline to slog through it.

What I'm gambling on is that I can tap into something that will hook her and keep her going on her own. Competition, achievement, hell even habit can work.

I Bring Nothing to the Table

The holidays drastically reduce my net weekly output of "The Funny". So my apologies for that.

Here's a poorly spaced sign instead.

What Rough Beast, Its Hour Come Round at Last?

Daughter has started to fear things. She'll grab my hand and hold it in front of her face if any scary parts come up on one of her dvds. Now, the 'scary' is relative of course, so I'm often shielding her from something like an ogre doll in Little Einsteins.

It makes me wonder how she processes fear at this age. She hasn't exactly had anything happen to be scared of, so it's strange how she can associate these things with fear. I know she has nightmares, but I really wonder what happens in them.