The World Will Never See Another Man Like Him

Continued from this:

We left off with Punchy McSpikyhead (Doomsday) facing off with the army and a sexually frustrated Superman flying back to the city with Lois.

Superman's trip takes just long enough to let Doomsday demonstrate how little he cares about being shot in the face and how much he cares about administering punches to everything in sight. Superman gets there just as the army is pretty much punched out. What follows is about 15 minutes of back and forth punching. It's actually a pretty decent scene. I know I enjoyed it the first time I saw it when it was in the Matrix. One high point was Doomsday's use of the patented Kirk double-overhand-chop. Aside from that, lets cover some of the fun stuff.

See, Superman can shot beams out of his eyes. Depending on what the plot needs at the time, these beams either cut, burn or just blast things. These beams worked pretty well against Doomsday. Which kind of makes you wonder why Superman didn't actually USE the damn things more than twice. Maybe he liked the sensation of his super-kidneys being forced into his super-spine. Either way Superman was kind of getting his super-ass beat. The climactic moment in the fight came when Doomsday used his fist to convince Superman to cough out his stomach. Superman collapsed, no doubt regretting not ignoring the sex-interrupting robot-roommate.

This is about as much fun as it looks.

GASP, but wait. A crying little girl (I'm not kidding) has wandered out into the street behind Doomsday. I have a two year old daughter. She has exceedingly poor-judgment, but I have no doubt that given the same situation, my daughter would run the other fucking way from the big blue spiky thing that's punching down buildings.

Anyway, Doomsday's readying a punch for the kid when Superman gets up and tackles him. Now here's where Superman almost does something smart.

Almost.

Superman flies Doomsday (who can't fly himself by the way) up and into space. Now I'm thinking, "Good for you. Throw the bastard into the sun and go get a back rub." In fact, I think throwing things into the sun should be Superman's default option. Killer comet, sun. Supervillian, sun. Car wont start, sun. But no. Superman does not dispose of the big psychotic punching machine in a logical and effective manner. Instead, he chooses the more dramatic, "Ride the freak back to earth" option.

It's like that scene in the Bourne movie where Matt Damon throws a guy over a balcony and rides him down the fall letting the bad guy take the brunt of the damage. It's like that, only from orbit, with more spikes, and with a hell of a lot more sexual subtext. You'd think Superman would be smart enough to aim for something like a sharp rock out in the middle of nowhere, but no, he hits right back down in the city probably killing another few hundred people.

Superman and Doomsday are in a post-impact cuddle at the bottom of the crater. Doomsday's glowy red eyes fade out and he goes to big punching fields in the sky. Superman lives long enough to climb out of the crater and toss off a line asking if the 'people' are ok. Hint: they're not, you killed lots of them. He then dies with as much dignity as possible while wearing blue tights.

Yes it's dramatic, but where the hell did the stick come from?

A year passes and the city's been rebuilt enough to spend time building a full memorial to Superman. Yeah, that's what I thought. It turns out that it was a couple weeks. The city was fixes and a three-story marble S was built in two weeks. Lois is sad, and that is a 100% accurate description of the depth of her feelings. We're shown a news report telling us how crime has skyrocketed. Then the tv on which we watched that report was stolen... yeah.

We've finally got into the meat of the story. It's an hour and forty five minutes about the death of superman, so now we're going into the real in depth consequences... oh, he's back. Forget it.

Yeah, for the movie about the death of Superman, Superman is dead for four minutes.

Four

Fucking

Minutes

To be concluded...