and I will tell you what you are

This is bound to piss people off, but I may as well come out with it.

I have to eat constantly and I'm getting sick of it.

I started out skinny, and I've dropped almost 10 pounds in the last 5 months. I've upped my intake a hell of a lot and I'm trying to load up on the heavy calorie foods, but I've really only managed to hold steady. On top of that, I'm looking to up my run distance over the winter, so I'm going to have go up even more calories a day just to hold even.

Now if I wanted to eat crap-food this wouldn't be a problem. Hell, two poorly chosen meals at just about any fast food place would take me over my quota. But no, I get to try and eat relatively healthy which means I'm eating all the god damn time, which gets old.

Here's a tasty after dinner snack.
Brown half a pound (I use ~.6 lbs) of extra-lean ground turkey
Put in a big bowl with a full can of vegetarian refried beans
Add enough cheese to make tasty, but not enough to clog the arteries
Microwave until the cheese melts, add some salsa and you're good to go.

That's a little less than 1000 cals.

I just finished one of those babies, and I'm probably going to have a bowl of cereal in a while. The whole evening I've also been snacking on raisins. This is another good reason why I shouldn't go beyond Olympic distance, aside from the fact that my joints would basically secede from the union of my body if I tried Ironman distance I'd literally never be able to stop eating if I wanted to stay above skeleton body weight.

Rarely Runs Races Rapidly

Oh the shame.... Oh the soul crushing guilt

I never put up a report on my last race.

I did better than the prior one. Overall I went down two minutes which is good progress. Oddly enough I was two minutes slower on the swim this time and I added about a minute with a slower transition time. Last time I managed to skip just ahead of the crowd before the first turn. Not this time though. I ran right into the bastards at the buoy then was fighting my way through and getting stopped.

The bike was better. I stayed aero the vast majority of the time and ended up just under 19mph average (1mph better than last time). When I started out there was an older guy ahead of me. He was in a t-shirt and on an older, standard road bike, but this guy had legs like tree-trunks. You could tell he'd been doing this for years and years. It took me 12 miles, but I finally passed him and pulled away. Still, had he decided to, I'm pretty sure he could have blown me away any time he wanted.

The run was also better, but not fast. Which makes sense, because I'm not very fast even on training. Over the last month I've come to realize that I need to put in more mileage before I can work on any real speed at a 5k or 10k race. There aren't any shortcuts around that. So, I'm upping my mileage aiming for a 10k workout plan.

Anyway, on a more important topic, yesterday as I was coming in from a run, Ning and Daughter were just coming out the front door to go out. Daughter saw me running and promptly started mocking me by jogging in the driveway. If you haven't seen it, a two year old jogging, not running but jogging, is a pretty amusing thing to watch. She was trying to lift her legs more and hold her arms up by her side. She was also explaining that she was running in case someone misunderstood. Cute, but also a good example that kids might not listen to what you say all the time, but they sure as hell watch what you do.

Save me...

Another benefit of having a Chinese wife is that I can learn how to deeply offend people in a new and challenging language. There's a lot more to this than just learning how to say 'assface' in Chinese. You've really got to get deep down into the culture and learn how to offend. You've got to learn how shake the very foundations of a person with a single well placed phrase. It takes study, commitment, and a complete disregard for basic human decency.

I don't mean to brag, but I'm pretty good at this. Don't think that I run around spewing offense like a tourettes riddled ADD patient, but on special occasions I've been known to make a grown man weep with impotent rage... or just plain impotence, either way, there's flaccidity and tears.

It turns out that I'm so good at this, that I can do it completely by accident. One night, years ago, I made some joke comment to my wife that was rooted in a Simpson's reference. It was a pretty innocuous comment, so her wide-eyed look of shock and gasping out, "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?" was a little bit of a shock.

It turns out that I'd accidentally said what is pretty much the worst word you can utter in Chinese. I imagine that Ning regretted explaining the whole thing to me, because, really, this is like finding the loudest and craziest guy you can find wandering the streets in a rotgut haze, then giving that guy the keys to a shiny new tank. Ning explained that this was way out of the league of the other words she'd taught me, and that I was to never utter it again lest the gates of hell open their unholy jaws to swallow the land of the living.

Anyway, fast forward a few months to a dinner...or a lunch, god help me if I can remember a meal. We were out with a few of Ning's friends and, as per usual, I'm the lone white guy. I'm fielding the standard questions, ("Yes, I can use chopsticks.", "No thank you, I've had enough crab anus dumplings.", "Yes, like a horse." ) when Ning turns to me and says, "Hey, tell Susie that bad word I taught you."

Confused, I say, "...but you told me never to say that word."

"Yeah, but you can say it now"

Persisting, I say, "...yes, but you were really emphatic about it at the time. I still have a scar on my chin from when you..."

"No it's ok, go ahead."

So I turn to Susie, who's all ears at this point, and quietly say the damnable word.

Ning has kind of a full body spasm, hits me again and gasps out, "Oh god I didn't mean THAT word."

He Made a Million Dollars You Know

My wife, being all kinds of Chinese, exposes me to lots of interesting bits of culture that I really wouldn't get otherwise. What I've been seeing a lot of lately, is the penchant for status seeking through purchasing. It's kind of like the western, 'Keeping up with the Joneses'. Here, neighbors and friends will have small, and never acknowledged, competitions, things like 'whose lawn in the greenest', or 'whose kids kicked heroin the fastest.'

In China though, it's a little different. It's really a competition to see who can spend the largest amount of money on the most useless item possible. Brand names are huge there. You can make the biggest ugliest sunglasses in the world, but you put a little Gucci symbol on there, and they'll pay damn near any price you name. Not only that, but it's treated like a huge accomplishment which will be duly bragged about in excruciating detail to anyone unlucky enough to get in the way. It's like the guy in the office who ran a marathon. For about two months afterwards he'll corner people and tell them about his toenails falling off and his nipples bleeding.

This seems to extend to services as well. We had Daughter washing the car for us, which actually meant throwing a sponge at the car repeatedly and wandering off with the hose, when Ning explained that automatic car washes are more expensive in China than it is to pay people to do it.

and people use the automatic ones

because they're more expensive

...

ok, so that kind of broke something in my head and I came up with a money-making idea. Now, I've never been much of an entrepreneur. I've always associated that with inspirational speaking, broken dreams and substance abuse, but still, I think this new idea could make some real money. I'd have to live in China for a while and it would take some clever marketing and there'd probably be some legal hoops to jump through (read: bribes to pay), but the basic idea is:

People will pay me $3,000 U.S. and in return I will kick them in the balls.

A little crazy I know, but think about it. It's a completely useless, and maybe long-term unhealthy, service that costs a lot of money. I'd only do one or two a week to increase scarcity and I'd randomly turn people down just to make it seem more exclusive. I could be pulling down 24k a month, and I'd be doing what I love. And there's no way I could feel bad about it, because anyone dumb enough to pay me money for that, deserves a kick in the balls. It works beautifully. Ok, 'beautifully' might not be right, but it's convenient if nothing else.

Here's how the bragging conversation might go the next day at the office. The names have been westernized to make this seem a touch less offensive.

Bob limps into the office smiling broadly. Steve, who's spent most of his morning trying to figure out if the receptionist is wearing a bra, looks up from his research to say, "Hey Bob, how was your weekend?"

"Oh pretty good. You know, I went out with my wife to lunch on Saturday...watched a movie, then on Sunday I got kicked in the balls."

Steve chokes on his coffee and coughs out, "No way! By that crazy white guy?"

"Yup. I did some research and he's the best. He's not cheap though, you know his base rate is $3,000?" Bob says, a little louder than is needed.

"Wow, your frivolous spending has really raised your status in the eyes of your contemporaries. That rocks!"

Bob, dripping with pride, whips out his iPhone, "I've got a video of it. Come here and watch. By the way, you know how expensive these iPhones are right?"

Steve leans over the iPhone and starts to watch the video, "Yes, the sheer volume of your disposable income has cast me and my ancestors into shame. Hey, that's you! and there's the white guy."

"He's got really long legs you know. It really lets him get some good power going."

Heavy foot-steps, a dull thump, and a high pitched scream come from the tinny iPhone speaker. "Oh no way! You paid for the running start option? That's another $1,000. Oh man, you were lifted right off the ground."

Bob says, "Yes, crazy white guy said it was some of his best work."

Steve, still watching the video, "Wow...so how long did it take you to stop vomiting?"

Proxy Venting

Here's a contribution from someone who's notable for being not me:


Ever heard of working poors? Very common here in Cali, a state blessed with sunny weather and high tech firms. With stock options, stock grants, stock discounts, bonus checks... many of us worked hard and we spent even harder. I noticed that people kept wishing they had more money. Nothing wrong with this particular wish. I myself always wish I had more money from time to time. But many times what happens is that while yearning for more wealth people don't quite enjoy what they have NOW.

In a typical tech firm fashion, we all worked like there was nothing else in life -- 60 hour week is nothing to complain about. Stress level was high. How do I know? My doctor said that 90% of his patients are from my company and more than half had to seek Rx for depression or insomnia. We worked like ants carrying food that's 100 times their body weight. For what? I don't know. Ants get to put food on their table. We human work our a@# off to have "Whole Foods" and drive Lexus. After MBA I worked for 8 years, in a gray cubicle, in and out of meetings all day and yell at engineers for having no financial sense. I worked from 7 to 5, then I would eat at the dinner table dreading the 9pm meeting with India. The job did pay for my Whole Foods, but not sure if I achieved anything worth mentioning, promotions is always a happy occasion but it simply means a little more money or boss more people around, it's nowhere near self-actualization at the top of Maslow's Hierarchy. Not for me anyways.

I missed my baby. I'm lucky that actually HAD a baby. Infertility rate was so high in my company that they started to offer reimbursement for expensive infertility treatment as part of their initiative to "balance work and family life". HR even gave out raffle prizes for people doing stretching exercises twice a day in a "designated area" (a cubicle intersection on each floor, great place to meet people btw. Sad, but I did meet great people during these official breaks of the day), blood pressure checks were readily available, and set new rules that people can work from home more (people end up working MORE at home b/c they don't have to commute, I'm sure this is all a well planned strategy to "increase productivity"). Everyone had nightmares about work. When we gathered over water fountains and shared our work nightmares in the office the next day as funny stories, you know we're a sad bunch of people. If we were a sad bunch of people at work, we sure make it up by spending lots of money when we're not working.

Working poor is a trend in this town. It doesn't mean welfare mothers go back to work and end up losing more money due to daycare and taxes. Working poors here are those who "have it all" and still aren't satisfied. Have a 3,000 sqft home? Too small, how about moving to a 5,000 sqft one? I can't change my job to do something I truly love, I've got bills to pay (BMW SUV, for example).

The cars on the street are new and expensive, the local high school's auditorium is so obscenely luxurious it puts a modern movie theater to shame. Everywhere I turn I see green (money, not trees). But many think they're poor and they MUST keep working to generate more money to "survive".

It's like people smoking crack. They're so obsessed with making more money I just don't think saving another $100,000 in cash next year will truly make them satisfied either. Only sky is the limit. They'll be chasing after that dream of building more wealth all their life even tho they already ARE wealthy compared to most. Count your blessings people and treasure what you alreayd have. Money won't buy you happiness -- The last time I heard a mega rich girl bragging about how happy she was on TV together with her hubby... she filed for divorce the next month, shaved her head bald, and went in and out of rehab.

McCarthy Had a List Too You Know

No one sent this to me, but having things to write about can't hurt.


1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? My father. With most parents, naming your child is pretty much the first thing you can make a mistake with. In this case my mother getting falling down drunk when she was pregnant with me would make my name mistake #2.
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? I'm crying right now. I saw a picture of a kitty.

Kittys make me cry.
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? My handwriting makes catholic priests cross themselves and run. Handwriting analysts have said that I should be closely monitored only having seen how I hold a pen...so yeah, I'm ok with it.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Peppered turkey
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Two. They're fascinating.
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? This is a hard question, because there kind of already are two of me. See, I've had a friend for 12 years who I'll call Dopply. Dopply is freakishly like me. Mannerisms, hobbies, sayings, everything. It's so damn odd. But underneath that we're quite different people. I think he's who I'd be if I didn't have to be so mean.
Anyway, if there were two of exactly me, we'd probably team up to accomplish great and terrible deeds, but I don't think we'd be friends.
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? A while ago I actually found a way to make sarcasm into a physical substance. I then constructed a time machine out of this new sarcasm-clay and traveled back in time and invented sarcasm.
At least that was the plan. When I got back there to the puddle full of protoplasm just waiting to burst forth with life I found a note. It was from me. It said,

"I already did it. Good job on hitting that snooze button this morning.
Hugs and Kisses, Me/You"

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? I think so...honestly, this is the kind of thing I'd forget.
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Now I probably wouldn't. I'm married, so impressing girls is not something I spend time on, and doing this sure as hell wouldn't impress my wife anyway.
Note: What guys won't tell you is that all stupid things they do are usually not to impress girls. Most of the time it's for other guys. They get really uncomfortable with this, but it's true. Just fyi.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Cocoa Pebbles or Fruit Loops.
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Usually not.
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? I can do whatever I need to do.
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Vanilla
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? The amount of threat they pose.
15. RED OR PINK? I refuse to answer based on a lack of context.
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? The near-constant sobbing. I've really got to pull myself together.
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Wife and kids. I'm evidently a masochist.
18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? No. Under no circumstances is that to happen.
19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? I'm not playing your little sex games.
20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? The heart of my vanquished enemy. You know, to gain his strength. Just like Mom always said.
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Various conversations and the hum of a laptop.
22. IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Black
23. FAVORITE SMELLS? Ewww
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My boss
25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Sent to myself, so... meh.
26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Don't watch them. Why would I watch a game that I cannot affect the outcome of?
27. HAIR COLOR? I'm not sure...brown?
28. EYE COLOR? An angry blue.

Yes blue can be angry damnit.

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No
30. FAVORITE FOOD? Mashed pototoes. 'Favorite' questions aren't good to ask me. I switch frequently and quickly. You've been warned.
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Scary movies can have happy endings. It's really a matter of perspective. For instance, I see the movie Audition as a love story.
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Hot Fuzz. It was muddled.
33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Blue... not angry, just regular.
34. SUMMER OR WINTER? Winter. My kingdom for jagged rocks and deep snow.
35. HUGS OR KISSES? I'm not playing your little sex games.
36. FAVORITE DESSERT? Another favorite question....Ice cream.
37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? My cat.
38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Everyone in the world
39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Re-reading the last Potter book, a Pratchett book, a film textbook, a couple tech books.
40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? At home, daughter. Here some goofy financial company ad. It was conference swag.
41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT? We don't watch TV...
42. FAVORITE SOUND? Silence
43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES ? Sympathy for the devil.
44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Pretty much as far as you can get without going into space.
45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I'm not playing your little sex games, but I do admire your persistence you little minx.
46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? At the top of a hill under a rainbow.
47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? Do not, under any circumstances, answer.