Save me...

Another benefit of having a Chinese wife is that I can learn how to deeply offend people in a new and challenging language. There's a lot more to this than just learning how to say 'assface' in Chinese. You've really got to get deep down into the culture and learn how to offend. You've got to learn how shake the very foundations of a person with a single well placed phrase. It takes study, commitment, and a complete disregard for basic human decency.

I don't mean to brag, but I'm pretty good at this. Don't think that I run around spewing offense like a tourettes riddled ADD patient, but on special occasions I've been known to make a grown man weep with impotent rage... or just plain impotence, either way, there's flaccidity and tears.

It turns out that I'm so good at this, that I can do it completely by accident. One night, years ago, I made some joke comment to my wife that was rooted in a Simpson's reference. It was a pretty innocuous comment, so her wide-eyed look of shock and gasping out, "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?" was a little bit of a shock.

It turns out that I'd accidentally said what is pretty much the worst word you can utter in Chinese. I imagine that Ning regretted explaining the whole thing to me, because, really, this is like finding the loudest and craziest guy you can find wandering the streets in a rotgut haze, then giving that guy the keys to a shiny new tank. Ning explained that this was way out of the league of the other words she'd taught me, and that I was to never utter it again lest the gates of hell open their unholy jaws to swallow the land of the living.

Anyway, fast forward a few months to a dinner...or a lunch, god help me if I can remember a meal. We were out with a few of Ning's friends and, as per usual, I'm the lone white guy. I'm fielding the standard questions, ("Yes, I can use chopsticks.", "No thank you, I've had enough crab anus dumplings.", "Yes, like a horse." ) when Ning turns to me and says, "Hey, tell Susie that bad word I taught you."

Confused, I say, "...but you told me never to say that word."

"Yeah, but you can say it now"

Persisting, I say, "...yes, but you were really emphatic about it at the time. I still have a scar on my chin from when you..."

"No it's ok, go ahead."

So I turn to Susie, who's all ears at this point, and quietly say the damnable word.

Ning has kind of a full body spasm, hits me again and gasps out, "Oh god I didn't mean THAT word."